Loving thy self

It has been a little while since I posted. And mostly due to the fact that I have not been in a good head space at all.  I figured it was probably a good idea not to overload with blog with negative postings- even though this post is about my own personal spiritual growth.  And I guess, I couldn't really make sense and put into words how I was feeling anyway. 

As my close friends and family would know I have suffered Anxiety for a while now. Which came to a head this year when it got to the point where I was not leaving the house for weeks at a time. I have worked so hard these past few months and despite much protesting on my behalf I decided to book my license.  This was such a huge step for me and I never in a million years thought I would get to the point where I could do it.  Yesterday at 1pm I got in the car at the Queensland Transport Department and I did my license. I passed.  I panicked for the weeks leading up to it and literally right before the test I was pacing.  Never did I think, I would of been at the place in my recovery where I would be doing my license.  It's still a little surreal and I keep remembering, 'hey hang on a second. I have a license!'.

So what now? Well, my clean eating and diet went out the window the minute I hit the button to book my license. I've done no exercise and comfort ate like you would not believe. So tomorrow, it's back on the band wagon.  But it got me thinking about my own self confidence/self worth.  I literally have no self esteem.  Do I think I am a good person? A good friend? Sure.  What do I think about myself though? Do I think I am pretty? no. Do I like things physically about myself? Not that I can think of, no. And that is really the honest truth. I just don't "rate" myself. Which I know is half the problem of my anxiety. I am too concerned with what other people are thinking about me?    It really got me wondering though, the way we talk to ourselves, would we talk to a friend like that?  Of course not! So why should we talk negatively to ourselves?  No my body isn't the exactly shape/weight that I am happy with, but I need to remember the great, FANTASTIC things that my body HAS done.  I've carried and nurtured babies inside me! I've given birth! I've breastfed!  I can't even remember the last time that I gave myself a compliment.  So this week is the start of a new relationship. With myself!  Back into my clean eating and my working out. And making sure I compliment myself at least once every day. Because I deserve it. I have so much love for my friends, my partner, my children, my family.  There is no limit on the love that I have, I can certainly spare some more love for myself.  Its not even just about losing weight for me anymore.  There was a time where that was my only goal.  Now it's more about nurturing and loving myself. And in turn loving and nurturing my body inside AND out.  Because I deserve it. Just as much as everyone else that I look after, does. 

Calling on the Angels...

Most of the times I do readings, I do them for other people.  Its how I've always been. I enjoy helping others with the answers and guidance that they are seeking.  Tonight something was telling me that for once, I needed to do my own.  And wow, I obviously did need to do them. 

                                             

                       "Choose only positive thoughts to describe your home, career, and finances as your words determine your outcome" 

This card indicates that you're focused on your material needs, such as desiring more money. It's imperative that you use only positive words and phrases to describe your current situation. Affirm your desires as already being a reality, and avoid worry- or any discussion that casts you in a "victim" role.  The base chakra (sometimes called the "root chakra"), located at the bottom of your spinal column, is the energy center that coverns your feelings about your material needs. To open your flow of Divine manifestations, imagine yourself inhaling and sending healing light to the base of your spine. See and feel a huge ball of ruby red light glowing within you. Since every worry is a prayer, drwing to you that which you're worrying about, notice and replace worries with prayers and affirmations. Call upon the angels to boost your faith and confidence, which are two magical ingredients in the conscious manifestation. 

"Call upon Archangel Michael and Raphael to lift fear-based energy from you, your surroundings, this situation, and everyone involved" 

You chose this card because you, or someone close to you, have absorbed some energies of fear. They could have been self generated from your own foreboding or may have come from being with fearful people. Whenever you feel tired or have been subjected to substance abuse (such as spending time in a pub or bar), take the time to cleanse away residual energies. You can conduct this process anytime or anywhere, even when other people are nearby. You can also conduct this "vacuuming" for other people. In person or remotely (just be sure to ask their verbal or psychic permission first).  See and feel the vacuum hose completely cleaning the entire inside of the body (including organs, muscles, and bones) from head to toe. Shudders and other physical reactions are a normal and positive sign that the process is working. Continue until the body feels quiet then say: "Thank you for this healing. Please now fill the body with your diamond-bright white light to heal and protect" 

"Your body is receiving accurate messages from the divine".

Your angels want you to know that you're always receiving Divine messages, even when you're not noticing them. Most of these messages come through your physical and emotional senses, as your body is extremely sensitive to subtle energies. Sometimes you may not understand your feelings, yet they always have accurate, underlying wisdom. You've received this card because you've asked a question that your body has already answered through your emotional and physical feelings. You're urged to trust your feelings, and act upon them without delay. Ask the angels to protect and guide you, which they do through your intuitive sensations. As you give psychic readings or healings to others, know that its impossible to be blocked from receiving angelic guidance. You're always feeling and thinking and those are two primary ways in which the angels give you messages for your clients. Tell your clients what you're feeling and thinking during your sessions as these messages are meant to be shared.

Confessions

Well, I best start and get it out of the way. I haven't exercised properly or eaten very well for the past week. *sigh*.  Having a week off, with this flu/virus really stuffed me around. After the first day or two, I was dying to go for a run. I did and felt even worse. So I decided to let my body do what it needed to do and rest. Not push it.  Problem was after about the 3rd or 4th day I just seemed to go back to my old ways.  Which disappoints me but also inspires me just to pick myself back up again and get 'back on the horse', so to speak.  So with that out of the way.... 

Ever had one of those 'lightbulb' moments? Or as the almighty Oprah calls it, The A-ha, moment.  Yesterday, all day,  I felt so antsy and on edge. The past week I've felt just tired and no energy.  But anxiety high.  For the life of me yesterday I couldn't understand why. Had something triggered me? No. I felt ok? I felt good? But my brain was saying 'no, you can't feel good, you're anxious!'.  I seriously for the life of me couldn't figure it out.  Last night while having a cuppa and looking on facebook, I saw someone post an article about Gluten & the 10 ways you could see if you were 'Gluten Intolerant'.  So I had a look.  When I first started my exercising/eating clean I had people say to me 'try going wheat free'. I was like 'err no? why would I do that? I just want to lose some weight I'm not going to start cutting things out'.   
But last night, I read this article, thought it was really interesting. Jumped in the shower. It was literally like something had SLAPPED me in the face! I have been eating crap lately. I've eaten white bread, white rice, all sorts of other things. I even stole some hot chips off Brendan the other night and felt like utter crap afterwards.  My PMS symptoms have been through the roof, for as long as I can remember.  My unexplained amped Anxiety. My bloatedness, my lethargicness etc.... wow.... When I was eating clean and barely eating much wheat products (still a few, but not AS much) I was feeling ALOT better. My energy levels were much higher, I wasn't as tired during the day, my anxiety was much much lower. All these things flashing before me and it's like the biggest lightbulb moment ever. Could I be intolerant to wheat/gluten? Maybe. I might not be, BUT I also don't think my body is "liking" gluten. It doesn't respond well to it.  I know the other night i ate a white bread roll and suffered for ages afterwards. Feeling very bloated and lousy. 

Slowly but surely, while on my weightloss/healthier lifestyle change, I am realising that there is so much more to food than just weight/weightloss.  Its not even about that for me anymore. Of course, I want to lose weight, but by putting good food in my mouth I am making myself feel so much better not only physically, but also mentally. And that is sooo very important to me.  So as hard as it might be, I think I am going to slowly start cutting out gluten and see how I go.  And instead of being so hard on myself for not doing much the past week or so, I should look at it as my very own mini experiment.  Eat good food & exercise= feel good mentally and physically.... Eat bad food & do nothing as a result = feel bloody lousy mentally and physically.  Who would of thunk it, eh'?  

The Sweet Spot

Poor Brendan and I have had a terrible Virus since Saturday/Sunday. Its almost on par with Glandular Fever!That's how crap we've been feeling.  It took me 5 goes to get the dishes done the other day it was awful. So this morning was my first bit of exercise since Saturday :( It was awful but at the same time today I realised I am in that great spot right now, where exercising and eating well doesn't feel like a "chore" or something that I "have" to do? I've felt so flat and cranky whilst being sick and this morning 6am even though I was still feeling lousy I went for a walk anyway.  As a result I have found myself in the BEST mood. I felt so relaxed and happy. And it wasn't until this afternoon when I thought man I feel pretty good today and then I realised it was cause I had managed to get up and do my walk.  Tomorrow is Yoga day which I am majorly looking forward to! Up early again for a walk also.

The Beginning

Samskara saksat karanat purvajati jnanam.

"Through sustained focus and meditation on our patterns, habits, and conditioning, we gain knowledge and understanding of our past and how we can change the patterns that aren’t serving us to live more freely and fully."

Fresh Start, Fresh blog.  I was going to just pick up where I left off on my next Blog - but seeing as this is a fresh start and a new phase of my life, I thought it best to leave the painfulness of my last blog, exactly where it is. 

For a few weeks now I have been back on my path of eating well and exercising again.  So this blog will be about my journey with that as well as my journey getting back into my Yoga & Meditation.   Last week was a loss of just under 2 kilos with 4cm off my waist and 4cm off my hips.  Which has spurred me on even more than I could ever imagined.  Upping my Yoga to twice a week has made me feel amazing.  And now, thanks to a beautiful person, who has lit the fire up underneath me that I needed I am seriously considering doing my Yoga Teaching course (thank you miss Alisia).  

For a long time I know that there was something more that I wanted to be doing. I wanted to study but didn't know what. I've procrastinated till the cows came home. And even when I thought I had made up my mind (doing a psychology course) I still ummed and ahhed over whether it was really for me.  I've never fit into the "mould" of doing things the "traditional" way (for lack of a better word). Doing the 9-5 corporate thing just isn't me.  But the minute my mind was opened up to the possibility of learning to teach Yoga as well as learning amazing Yoga practices for myself, I instantly became excited. No procrastination. No doubt. Just certainty that this is the path that I want. Doing something that I love, and showing other people how to do it as well. Showing people how amazing life can be when you take a long hard look inside yourself and learn to become 'at peace'.  

I know my journey is still at the beginning and there's still so much that I need to learn and that is so exciting for me. For the first time in such a long time I feel so positive and so happy. And so excited.   So this is my new place to blog about my weightloss, my yoga journey, my spiritual journey ....