It has been a little while since I posted. And mostly due to the fact that I have not been in a good head space at all. I figured it was probably a good idea not to overload with blog with negative postings- even though this post is about my own personal spiritual growth. And I guess, I couldn't really make sense and put into words how I was feeling anyway.
As my close friends and family would know I have suffered Anxiety for a while now. Which came to a head this year when it got to the point where I was not leaving the house for weeks at a time. I have worked so hard these past few months and despite much protesting on my behalf I decided to book my license. This was such a huge step for me and I never in a million years thought I would get to the point where I could do it. Yesterday at 1pm I got in the car at the Queensland Transport Department and I did my license. I passed. I panicked for the weeks leading up to it and literally right before the test I was pacing. Never did I think, I would of been at the place in my recovery where I would be doing my license. It's still a little surreal and I keep remembering, 'hey hang on a second. I have a license!'.
So what now? Well, my clean eating and diet went out the window the minute I hit the button to book my license. I've done no exercise and comfort ate like you would not believe. So tomorrow, it's back on the band wagon. But it got me thinking about my own self confidence/self worth. I literally have no self esteem. Do I think I am a good person? A good friend? Sure. What do I think about myself though? Do I think I am pretty? no. Do I like things physically about myself? Not that I can think of, no. And that is really the honest truth. I just don't "rate" myself. Which I know is half the problem of my anxiety. I am too concerned with what other people are thinking about me? It really got me wondering though, the way we talk to ourselves, would we talk to a friend like that? Of course not! So why should we talk negatively to ourselves? No my body isn't the exactly shape/weight that I am happy with, but I need to remember the great, FANTASTIC things that my body HAS done. I've carried and nurtured babies inside me! I've given birth! I've breastfed! I can't even remember the last time that I gave myself a compliment. So this week is the start of a new relationship. With myself! Back into my clean eating and my working out. And making sure I compliment myself at least once every day. Because I deserve it. I have so much love for my friends, my partner, my children, my family. There is no limit on the love that I have, I can certainly spare some more love for myself. Its not even just about losing weight for me anymore. There was a time where that was my only goal. Now it's more about nurturing and loving myself. And in turn loving and nurturing my body inside AND out. Because I deserve it. Just as much as everyone else that I look after, does.
